


Road to Recovery

by spilled_ink



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: Gen, Just a little bit angsty, Mentions of Herc/Angela, Mentions of Herc/Chuck, Mentions of Herc/Scott, My version of PTSD and the road to recovery, Sad with a Happy Ending, mentions of past relationships - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:41:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,212
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2157789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spilled_ink/pseuds/spilled_ink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the fall of the Kaiju, all the PPDC personnel are expected to go through therapy to deal with what they saw and what they had to live through. For Herc, this proves to be harder than for most.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Road to Recovery

**Author's Note:**

  * For [knightphoenix2](https://archiveofourown.org/users/knightphoenix2/gifts).



He flips open his file to see familiar words scrawled on the inside front cover. The only thing that changes is the number on the inside but everything else stays the same and he feels so hopeless, so very dreadfully hopeless, dejected. This is not working.

His eyes focus on the words anyway to remind himself what he's here for.

 

Session # : 50  
Name : Hercules Hansen  
Admitted Under : Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

 

In other words he's here to talk about things, and how things make him feel about himself and how to learn to not let things make him feel so bad. He sighs and leans back in the chair wanting it to finish before it even starts. To be honest, he's getting tired of this.

He gets tired of shifting back through the memories and trigerring himself over and over again. He gets tired thinking about the 'what ifs' in life, about the decisions made, about the conversations had. Sometimes, it's hard for him to fall asleep. It's hard in knowing that his dreams will be haunting echoes of a life he now thinks he could have lived better. He could have done better for himself, for Angela and Scott, and for Chuck.

He swallows, his adam's apple bobbing, the sound heavy in his own ears. It echoes with the disappointments and weariness of what he feels is years gone to waste.

Oh, he could have been more than this. Oh, he could have been better than this.

Maybe, maybe if... he licks his lips suddenly realizing that they're dry. Maybe if he didn't fall out with Scott, maybe then he wouldn't have had to give up his only son to the Kaiju, wouldn't have had to give him to save the world that didn't ever really give a fuck about what he wanted.

The world is damned anyway.

He blinks, lashes brushing against each other, and he imagines the rustling sound deep in his mind.

Oh, if only he'd allowed himself to be steered down a different path. Oh, if only he'd chosen better.

Maybe, maybe... he runs a hand through his hair, distracted, finding the strands to be longer than he remembered. Maybe if he'd gone to get Angela instead of Chuck, maybe then he wouldn't feel this raw, gaping hole in his heart, wouldn't want to drown in the sadness he feels.

He breathes, taking in one heavy breath and releasing it slowly through his nose, the world slowing down till he can analyze every second in excruciating detail.

And every second is so much dirtier, grittier, bloodier and more painful than he ever thought it would be.

"Herc?"

For a second he thinks it's her, Angela, but as he's dragged out of the depths of his mind by that soft, melodious voice he realizes that it isn't her. She's gone. And this is where the lines between reality and fantasy blur; he could've sworn that she was with him all this time. When the illusion breaks, then, it becomes so much harder to handle, the pain as raw as the first time around but even worse as he's rubbing salt into an open wound.

The sound breaks from his throat without warning, savage and raw and before he knew it he was doubled over, gasping for air, salty, hot, wet tears streaming down his cheeks as he sobs out loud for the first time.

"What's wrong with him? Should I get someone? Do you need anything?" Outside voices he can't identify, afraid, pitying, worried for him but her voice rang clear through it all.

"Herc." warm hands rub circles into his back and she kneels beside him even as he tries to muffle the horrible, jagged choking noises that were echoing from his mouth. Feeling like his soul was ripping in two, he clasps a hand over his mouth and tries valiantly to count down from one hundred like she instructed him to whenever this happened.

100.

99.

Chuck rapping '99 Problems' at the top of his lungs just to irritate him.

80.

79.

78.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven ate (eight) nine! And Angela laughing as she riddled him this and riddled him that.

72.

71.

70.

69.

You really need to try it. It's the best position. Scott urging him on with a smirk on his face.

58.

55.

53.

50.

He's spent 50 sessions doing the same goddamn think over and over again just to go back home and mess it up by remembering and dwelling on the same fucking mistakes, trying to compartmentalize everything into tiny boxes and hide them under his bed an effort to forget. But maybe it's not about forgetting... maybe...

And he looks up, head snapping up from between his knees, scrambling backwards in his seat till his spine meets the cushion. The air is suddenly clearer and less dense as he breathes in easily, he breathes in and out and in and out and in and out and for once he doesn't want his breaths to stop. The clarity hits him like a train. Bright sunlight makes him woozy but he stumbles to his feet, furiously wiping away the dampness on his cheeks and looks around for her. For her, for her for her where is she? Where is she where is she where-

"Herc."

And then there's a hand reaching for his own, fingers sliding against his and locking together softly in order to ground him. He has to re-learn human contact, among other things.  
He squints and looks back at her, her features sliding into focus, thrown into sharp relief against the too bright background. He chokes on his words but moves towards her as fast as he can manage, his movements awkward and sluggish but undeniably alive.

Understanding dawns on him ; it's not about forgetting the past and moving on, it's about remembering it and finding the will to live.

"I'm sorry." he rasps out finally even though he's not quite sure what he's sorry for. It just seems appropriate and he doesn't want to analyze more that he can handle at the moment. Voice breaking from the lack of use, he repeats it again and then again and again over in his mind till the words loose their meaning. It's an oddly freeing sensation.

She just smiles as if she understands. She would, after all, she's done this several times before.

"You've come a long way." she notes gently.

"I..." he glances away briefly before allowing the ghost of a smile to flicker onto his face. "Yeah, I suppose I have, Doc." Herc glances out of the window for a second before he looks back to her. "It took a while, longer than I expected."

"All the best journeys do. And don't get me wrong, soldier, we still have a long way to go."

He smiles, genuine, his old self returning for an instant. It's far from over but he's halfway there already so there's nothing to do except go for it. He's halfway through the woods, it's time for him to find his way out. He glances at her again, almost shyly, a foreign smile on his face.

"I'm ready for it."

"I know you are, Hercules. I know you are."

**Author's Note:**

> Herc, my baby, is back! But seriously though, Herc deserves a happy ending so this was my version of it. It was somewhat (mostly) inspired by knightpheonix2 who wanted Herc to have a happy ending probably as much as I did. Maybe this will pave the road for him to have the life he deserves <3


End file.
